No Traditional Song Necessary - Lois Greene Stone

            Psst! I think there’s a new job for males. Really new. Be a substitute groom. Don’t exactly know how social media will label the opportunity to catch the attention of men, but age shouldn’t matter much as he’ll only be playing a role. No license needed as it isn’t going to be a marriage, it’s just a wedding.
            My computer’s dictionary says: wedding> n. a marriage ceremony, especially one including the associated celebrations. See? Nothing about a union…. a ceremony and celebrations.
            The Wall Street Journal’s front page of Business and Finance, August 10, 2023, ran a long article on the four dresses brides buy so those on the Internet can see their fashion show and expenses. Envy? Absolutely looked for. Cost for hair and nails will be ho-hum, and whether filet mignon and sea bass are served also just not important. It’s the dress….no, the dresses. There was an absence of a groom mentioned, or even a woman-to-woman nuptial. Doesn’t matter. That paper noted that during 2023, a groom was ill, possibly with Covid, and that his bride ordered a cardboard cut-out to replace him as she paraded down an aisle.
            I’d heard that as more women fill medical school vacancies, few male students select Ob-Gyn as a specialty. Even politically, society seems to say ‘not the most qualified but female and preferably minority’ when looking at a slate of candidates. More men are taking on a division of labor in homelife, which is positive if it’s division and not a different math concept. Women can use sperm donors to bear children, and a husband is no longer needed as we’ve accepted ‘single mother’ with ease. Further, sperm donors are no longer anonymous. The Wall Street Journal, August 28, 2023, notes a donor is now trying to visit all the offspring he’s the biological father of, and that was once private.
            So, let’s get back to the potential job. Ladies, want to wear your four wedding dresses and have your social media showing be totally magnificent? Of course, you must fake a ceremony. Help wanted: Male who can provide a tuxedo, or whatever the bride feels will be background for her important day. Only needed for a short while as the reception doesn’t require a male escort since the bride will be changing her outfit so many times. Pay is negotiable. Since it’s a ceremony and not a legal happening, no divorce lawyers must bother setting up prenup or planning how soon the divorce might take place. Everyone is happy. The bachelorette party can still take place since there’s no reason to ‘x’ that out as it’s all women!
            Oh, my! The August 30, 2023 The Wall Street Journal HAS a solution. Seems the characters who are mascots for colleges are now important wedding guests. “I was more excited to see Benny than I was to do a first look with my husband.” And the woman gave her name for this piece. Benny Beaver is the Oregon State University’s mascot. The costumed character was paid for the performance. So why not hire the person inside the ‘suit’ to be groom first, and then don the mascot outfit? One of two inductees in the 2023 Mascot Hall of Fame is the Syracuse University Orange, a big fruit wearing a blue hat. So, possibly, an alum might have to pay a bit more for the job, but if the transition from pretend groom to pretend piece of fruit can easily be made, it’ll accomplish everything the bride might want to show off ‘her’ importance.
            Marriage. It’s different from a wedding. Men: we’ve created a 2024 job for you!

Lois Greene Stone, writer and poet, has been syndicated worldwide. Poetry and personal essays have been included in hard and softcover book anthologies.  Collections of her personal items/ photos/ memorabilia are in major museums including twelve different divisions of The Smithsonian.  The Smithsonian selected her photo to represent all teens from the 1950’s; a large showcase in its American History Museum features her photo. hand-designed clothing, and her costume sketches. ‘Girlhood’ exhibit opened October 2020 and is on tour as of January 2023.